Month: March 2019

Day 14 sober – Sunday stress

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I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a tough weekend as far as sobriety is concerned. I feel like I’ve hardly slept and my fuzzy head is reminiscent of a hangover. This is not how it’s supposed to be! Foggy, anxious and tired. Bleurgh. I’m supposed to feel fresh and clean and full of energy!

The other half has been away since yesterday morning. I have avoided all invites (and all intincts) to party in his absence. I know he has been partying hard, however, and somehow this has taken me very close to pressing on that ‘fuck it’ button. I could drink alone, no-one would know…although hardly anyone knows I’m sober, so who cares except me?

I decided to make a beef stew and was contemplating buying red wine to cook with, and wondering if I could resist the urge to drink the rest. The shopping list started with ‘red wine’ and then promptly got changed to ‘red wine stock pots’. Stay strong. Breathe deep. I purchased pretend alcoholic beverages on my shopping trip in case the urge got too great over the course of the evening but they are still sat in the fridge.

Alcohol would normally fill the gap when the other half isn’t here. I don’t sleep well when I’m alone, hence the reason I feel so crap today. But, if I had succumbed to the drinking I’d likely feel a hel of a lot worse today. In ‘normal’ circumstances, I probably would’ve started drinking Saturday afternoon to fill the void, probably by myself, and probably more than a few glasses of wine.

I went to see my sister in York yesterday. I contemplated getting a drink for on the outbound train (1.30pm). My sister is pregnant so not drinking. I contemplated getting a drink at the train station before returning home, contemplated going to the pub with friends when I got back, contemplated buying tonic or lemonade to mix with the half opened bottle of vodka that sits in the wine rack and looks lonely. I woke up this morning contemplating a drink, contemplating going to the pub later, buying Guiness as it’s St Paddys day. I contemplated popping to the off licence for some bottles of strong cider, starting the day wrong. It’s only just 10am.

I think about alcohol a lot and it feels like a lot of effort to stay sober when I’m so tired. Kind of an oxymoron I know.

So, I am taking myself back to bed instead. I will meditate but I shall let myself drift off  if it happens that way. Hopefully I will have some thing else to think about when I wake instead of alcohol!!!

Day 9 – Why I love Sober Mondays

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When your boyfriend (or ‘partner’ maybe a better word – as we’re grown ups and not 12…) suggests that you have another sober stint, but then it gets to the weekend and he needs beer to watch the rugby… what do you do?

Do you fold and join in?

Do you get cross and agitated at the beer betrayal? (B*st$#d, we had a deal!)

OR, do you remind yourself that sobriety is an individual process and any vows should be taken to oneself, not as a commitment to others.

I chose no.3. I made no fuss over his choices. I reminded myself that alcohol would not enhance my watching of TV, but bought myself some non alcoholic beers in case I got any irritable alcohol  envy … and watched the rugby. I passed the first test.

I love waking up on a Monday morning feeling completely fresh. I feel a bit virtuous and smug, and love that I have had my self care at a maximum. Any rest has been proper rest. In contrast to the last time I had a sober stint, I was really looking forward to my first sober weekend, instead of dreading it. I knew what to expect and I welcomed it. Rather than viewing it as deprivation, I now see it as giving myself something back.

Monday went quick this week. I was in work early, meaning I get to leave early as I work flexi hours, and the whole day went pretty smooth. Cooked a healthy tea, went for a workout and genuinely feel this is how all weeks should begin.

By the time Tuesday comes around, instead of just feeling like I’m returning to normal after a heavy binge at the weekend, I am quite literally buzzing with energy.

The difference is remarkable, I just cannot quite workout why I’ve not chosen this as a lifestyle. Who wouldn’t chose this over the hedonistic party animal that takes half a week to recover?

Life in HD, or life in a big fuzzy whirlwind?

Time to fly without being high

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Day 1 of sobriety – again.

I had a few drinks yesterday to clear the fridge, get rid of the booze and dull the hangover. I am therefore not waking on Day 1 with quite as clear a head as I would wish. I could’ve poured the drink away, or donated it to someone – but I opted to spend my Sunday afternoon slightly pissed watching films and hardly moving from the sofa.

I have recently been longing for that smug sober Sunday feeling, waking with a fresh head and a clear mind. I am looking forward to all those feelings that come with being sober. Will I find it hard to ditch the booze this time around? I don’t know. I’m kind of looking forward to being free of it at the moment.

I’ve started reading over all my blogs I wrote during the Sober Eighty challenge last year which is quite interesting. I am excited as to what the next 3 months have to bring.

Day 1 of 112.

 

Going out with a bang

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We’ve decided to give up alcohol again (that’s me and the other half). Last year we challenged ourselves to give up alcohol for 80 days and I felt absolutely bloody amazing. The clarity and feeling of smug, cleanliness that comes with sobriety was eye opening. I lost a bit of weight, felt extremely productive, my skin was great – I felt (and looked) fresh and bright. I was rich (had spare money) for a while. I loved the 80 days so much that I almost committed myself to a life of sobriety… but, for whatever reason, I didn’t. I think I just wanted to be like everyone else for a while again. Fear of Missing Out. It took a while for alcohol to creep back into our lives but after some festive bingeing and seemingly lots of social events, it’s well and truly found it’s way back. Too many bad habits have returned and it’s slowly but surely impacting our lives, and not in a good way. There is a lethargy that comes with drinking, even just a small amount, and it’s not something we can afford or have room for in our lives. Also, we’re training really hard and alcohol totally affects the recovery process. It’s not wise to head to the pub after every run as a ‘reward’.

Needless to say, we don’t like to do things by halves and last night we had our last binge for a while, which included a very expensive bottle of champagne. What an oxymoron! Let’s celebrate our decision to be sober with a bottle of fizz!

I am writing this with a horrendous hangover. I feel sick, have a fuzzy head and have some vague recollection of talking complete shit to random strangers. I haven’t slept very well but the anxiety is too ferocious to be able to sleep the hangover away. It seems like a good point to be giving the booze up. I’m not sure if it’s for good this time or not but the other half has a 100 miler (run) in June – that’s 112 days away. So, for now, that’s my target. 112 days of sober. Doesn’t have quite the same ring as the Sober Eighty challenge but I’m viewing this as more of a lifestyle choice than a challenge.

Wish me luck.